Ring Ring. It’s a telemarketer here...

FROM time to time your humble author has been between jobs, and kept the wolf from the door by a stint or two of telemarketing. 

I never admitted it to outsiders of course – I told them I was anything from a male prostitute to a professional hit man. Telemarketers, you see, are regarded, in the general scheme of things, as hovering  somewhere between child molesters and the Antichrist’s big brother. Given the proliferation of scams that reach one over the phone, one can perhaps see the reason for this.  However, the attitudes that one sometimes encounters when performing the duties step way beyond the normal.

So, let’s have a look at the trade, from both sides.

There are, as with most jobs, advantages and disadvantages, both general and with regard to specific employers.

Advantages include the fact that it’s often reasonably easy to pick up work in the field at short notice, that it’s often easy, that if one’s prepared to put some effort into it there are usually lucrative reward schemes and bonuses, and that one meets a lot of interesting people.

In general, despite what one who has never tried it might think, if one gets the Zen if it, it can be an enjoyable enough experience. You’ll need a thick skin of course (more on this below,) and a sense of humour. I certainly prefer it to working in retail, which is truly dire!   

Disadvantages include the risk of getting the type of employer who treats their staff like crap, with breaks times to the second, ridiculous unreachable targets, and a habit of regarding their staff as dispensable and sub-human. Like most trades, employers vary from the excellent to the truly shitty, with all shades in between. And (this may or may not be a problem of course) the fact that such jobs are usually shift work.

But it’s a fair bet that the majority of people reading this are not telemarketers themselves, but the recipients (some may regard themselves as victims) of the calls. It doesn’t take an especially intensive session with our old friend Google to find a proliferation of Disgruntleds  from Bognor Regis, Arkansas or Moonee Ponds with their tales of the evil telemarketer who called them just as they were sitting down to their birthday dinner or had the temerity to mispronounce their name. And plenty of lists of clever little party tricks to play on those who dare interrupt one’s brooding meditations with a request to change one’s mobile phone provider. So... let’s look at a few facts.

The first thing to bear in mind is that the person who is calling you is unlikely to be doing so with the deliberate attempt of distracting what you are doing, interrupting your favourite TV show or just generally pissing you off. Why would they be? Most telemarketers receive commission for sales made, so why would they bother wasting good selling times making prank calls?  In most cases they are human beings doing exactly what you’re probably doing – a job or work with the intention of supporting themselves and their families, and doing the job as well as they can.

I have always found it strange that a person who would be the first to rush to your aid if you were taken ill in a crowded shopping mall, or would be the sole of politeness itself in face-to-face conversation will turn into a profanity-spouting ignoramus when confronted with a cold call. There are probably a number of reasons for this. The recipient might have had a bad day, and subconsciously relish taking out their frustrations on someone they regard as lower in the food chain. They might live in an area that has been “targeted” simultaneously by a number of companies (as far as I know there is no “collusion” between different companies in different fields, and such coincidences happen) and this is the ninth call they’ve received today.  The most probable reason is that the habit of most current affairs shows to fill their programming gaps with demonization of cold callers (and the careful, one-sided positioning of their audiences) has encouraged a sense of self righteousness in rebuffing the innocent, anonymous person at the other end.

So here’s a few facts that might, hopefully, make it easier and more pleasant for both ends of the line:

Firstly, always remember that the person calling you is a human, with feelings, who is usually genuinely trying to do a good job with as little disruption to your life as possible. It is also worth remembering  that the phones they use are not equipped with video screens, and they do not perform pre-call surveillance of your house and peep in the windows before making the call. They have no way of knowing you are about to eat your dinner, are putting your children to bed, or are in the middle of assembling your 3000 piece model of the Millennium Falcon and have just lost Luke Skywalker’s head.  Given the purpose of your call (to make money) they’d actually prefer to call you at the most convenient time for you. Explaining this will probably result in them politely going away, or agreeing on a mutually convenient call back time.       

“What are you doing calling at this time of night?” when asked as a literal rather than rhetorical question, has a surprisingly sensible answer. Basically, most people are out at work between 9 and 5, and calls will be met with a succession of answering machines or no answers. Or unemployed people and pensioners who, for economic reasons, are probably not the ideal demographic. There is nothing sinister about the habit of marketing calls being made in the evening  –  it’s for perfectly logical reasons. Generally speaking, however, you’ll get few (if any) calls after the 8pm watershed. And let’s face it, if you’re in bed by that time in the evening, you’re either very ill (in which case, what are you doing answering the phone anyway,) in the throes of erotic passion (ditto,) or have problems that go way beyond getting an unsolicited phone call.

“You’re invading my privacy!” – well, urm... NO, actually.  As pointed out above, a telephone (apart from some VOIP or SKYPE systems that telemarketers do not use) is NOT a visual medium. It will not enable the caller to see you naked and dripping from the shower, peek into your lounge room or rummage through your underwear drawer. All the caller can do is hear your voice, just as you can hear theirs.  You really do not have to worry that receiving a cold call will reveal the innermost workings of your private life to the caller. If you think otherwise, I’d suggest you ignore those little voices in your head and go back on the medication that nice doctor prescribed for you.

“I didn’t ask for this call.”  Well, no, fair point. It’s probable you didn’t ask for your favourite TV show to be interrupted by commercials, your magazine to be padded out with ads, or your drive in the country to be marred by advertising billboards either. But you live in a capitalist country in the 21^st century.  Companies that make or sell things will advertise their wares and services.  If you find it so traumatic that it drives you into a rage, you might consider a lifestyle change. There are still unspoiled places in the world, if you don’t mind trading the advantages of electricity, running water, 75 TV channels and democracy for blissful piece and solitude.

“I find telemarketers annoying.” Well, hmm, maybe you do. Probably there’s things you do in your job (or in your day to day living) that annoy people, too. We don’t live in a perfect world. Getting enraged about it will only make your day worse... see my point above about this not being deliberate. 

“The telemarketer has an Indian accent.” Well, possibly she or he does. If you’re a paid up member of the Ku Klux Klan, a Pauline Hansen supporter (are there any of these left?) or think “Romper Stomper” was an epic tale of heroism, then I guess this complaint has some twisted logic to it. Otherwise, how could this possibly have any relevance? Everyone in the world has an accent. Including her Maj Queen Lizzy II, and you. Yes you do. Indian people have to work too, you know.     

“This is probably a scam.” Well, yes. It might be. Quite a few of them exist. Generally speaking, I’d advise strongly against giving out your credit card number, banking details, details of domestic security alarms, and anything else of this ilk to a stranger on the phone. Even if (in fact, especially if) they claim to be from your bank. If your bank does legitimately call you, they’ll have no objection to you taking their name and number and calling them back. In fact, though, banks rarely call or email their customers, and never ask for such details over the phone or on line. If your caller does not ask for anything that could possibly be of use to a scam artist, however, it’s probably a legit call.

“I picked up the phone and said ‘hello’ and there was a silence on the other end.”  Yes, this does happen, and yes, it is confusing. The reason is not that the person is playing a prank call, but that most call centres operate using software that “drops” pre-dialled numbers into their phone systems.  Sometimes, it’s hard to get the timing exactly right. If it’s any consolation, the girl/guy at the other end finds it equally frustrating, and often has to call “Hello. Hello” into the phone 300 times a day.    

“Where did you get my number / this is a silent number.” A personal (or “silent”) number is one that is not registered in your local telephone directory. Years ago, this made sense as telemarketers were reduced to scouring through the White Pages calling random numbers in order to source their calls. In the age of the internet, however, most companies rely on lists purchased from data-mining societies. And whether or not you like it, it doesn’t take much to get on such a list, “silent” number or not.  Just enter a competition at your local store, or fail to tick a carefully hidden box when filling in a form and bingo!      

So, how do I deal with it?

The first thing to bear in mind is that the person who is calling you is unlikely to be doing so with the deliberate attempt of distracting what you are doing, interrupting your favourite TV show or just generally pissing you off. Why would they be? Most telemarketers receive commission for sales made, so why would they bother wasting good selling times making prank calls?  In most cases they are human beings doing exactly what you’re probably doing – a job or work with the intention of supporting themselves and their families, and doing the job as well as they can.

With most reputable companies, simply politely telling them that you are not going to buy their product is enough. Trust me, a cold caller is not interested in wasting too much time one someone who is not going to buy. They may ask for a few details as to why you are refusing. Most people take a default “no” position when cold-called, but if they listen to the full pitch might find it’s a product that suits their needs, and the caller is, after all, a salesperson.  Naturally they are going to make some effort.

If you really dislike cold calls, The Do Not Call Register is a useful tool. (The link given is for Australia, but a Google search will soon locate your own country's version if you live elsewhere.) All reputable companies “wash” their numbers against the register before putting them into the system (again, why would they waste time calling someone who so obviously won’t buy?)  Remember, though, that your registration is not indefinite, and if you’re receiving a lot of calls despite having signed up, you might want to think about checking your registration is still current. And remember too it takes 90 days to become effective.  And market researchers, political parties charities and anyone with whom you have previously done business are legitimately not excluded from calling you. If you do get a call despite being registered, politely pointing this out to the caller will usually result in an apology or at least a decent explanation. 

Clever little tricks. Tempting to try these, of course, if you’re the type that’s into petty revenge.  Just to let you know, whatever clever little trick you try, the telemarketer has probably encountered it a hundred million times before, and knows exactly how to deal with it. And, being human, may well regard it as a challenge.  Here’s a few examples.

Slamming down the phone without saying anything:       

As above, accompanied by profanity:

Putting down the phone and walking away.

Using your children as gatekeepers and having them parrot “mummy and daddy are busy.”

Talking in funny accents, or making silly noises.

Now, it’s possible that if you try these, the telemarketer will take the hint. It’s probably just as likely though that she/he will simply drop the call back into the system, and you’ll get another call half an hour later, from another operator. They shouldn’t, of course, but hey, if you’re setting out to piss them off, they’re only human. Hostile actions tend to escalate. 

Blowing a whistle or sounding an air horn into the phone.

Firstly, are you 100% sure the caller is a telemarketer. Might it not be that your kid has lost his mobile (or the battery has run down) and is calling from a friend’s house? Or that it’s a friend who has recently changed his or her number?

And secondly, doing such a thing constitutes assault. And telemarketers are protected from the law as much as anyone else, and would be entitled to sue you as much as if you’d bashed them with a piece of 4x2. Just saying.      

 Responding with a humorous / obfuscating reply.

Well, this one depends on your aim. If you are attempting to have a fun time as compensation for receiving an interruption to your evening, well and good. It’s a way of getting out of the call without carrying residual rage that may well wreck the rest of your evening. If your aim is to piss the cold caller off, however, don’t bother.  Most of them welcome a bit of humour as a relief after 150 answering machines, and probably enjoy the exchange as much as you do.  

“Give me your number and I’ll call you when YOU’RE having dinner.” Hmm, see your point, but it’s not quite as snappy and moral-high-ground gaining as you might think. Remember unlike your implied goal, the cold caller did not deliberately call at your dinner time just to annoy you (they’d sooner NOT actually – see above.) Hypothetically, even if they were to comply with your request, since they use phones all day, they are unlikely to find phone calls as traumatic as you do. If someone did call them during dinner, they’d say something along the lines of “I’m eating – call me back in half an hour” or whatever. Really, a polite explanation as to why you don’t wish to talk to them right now would be a far better strategy.

And, if after reading all this...

You still dissolve in apoplectic rage after receiving a cold call... well, seriously, I’m sorry. I have no wish to piss off some stranger I’ve never met, and me and my fellow telemarketers really don’t wish you any harm. But you live in 2014, and it will happen. In the absence of a working TARDIS to schlep you back to the 1950s, it might make more sense to learn to deal with it, just as (hopefully) you learned to deal with the internet, laser lights, Gagnam Style, Satnavs, ads on YouTube and other annoyances that plague us all in this year of grace.

Be well, and thank you for reading...