The Gay Marriage Debate

Why I am against gay marriage.

There’s been a lot of debate in the USA and Australia recently, about whether or not two people of the same gender should have their marriages recognised.  Here I present five excellent reasons why legislation should not be passed to allow this:

1) Passing legislation in favour of gay marriage would automatically make heterosexual marriage illegal. Can you imagine the heartbreak of heterosexual couples who could no longer get married? Or those already in loving marriages, who would be forced to dissolve their unions, and could no longer have sex with each other for fear they will go to hell?

2) Legalising gay marriage will mean that no-one, in the entire world, will ever produce children again, and the population of the world will die out.  Imagine the effect this will have on... well, everything!

3) It is pretty clearly implied that legalising gay marriage also means that humans can marry budgies, alligators, ipads, 1976 Holden Kingswoods or even trees. Can you conceive the humiliation of a child having to admit “I couldn’t come to school yesterday, my mum’s got leaf rot?”   

4) The book of Leviticus speaks very firmly against gay marriage. It also says that bats are birds, menstruating women are unclean, you have to whip every slave woman you don’t have sex with, insects have four legs, companion planting is evil, and that you should eat the flesh of your offspring. We seem to have no trouble accepting these things, so why should the prohibition against gay marriage be any different?

5) Given the massive overwhelming evidence that the book of Genesis is literal, unvarnished fact, it is obvious that the only true, natural sex is between a man and a clone made from his rib. And that their offspring should couple with each other. Anything else is an abomination unto the Lord.  

Of course, if all of these facts were found to be untrue, I’d have to rethink. And then...

Pardon?

Oops.  Erm... gulp... anyone got any white-out?